Publication
BAKE OFF PERVERT BONKED NIGELLA’S SPONGE CAKE
BAKE Off superfan Gary Wishaw is in trouble with neighbours after bonking a sponge cake in his garden. The 50- year- old followed Bake Off judge Nigella Lawson’s recipe and was overcome with lust at the result. A neighbour said: “Nobody wants to see...
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DRUNK DONALD TRUMP LOOKALIKE EATEN ALIVE BY PIGS
WOBBLY Donald Trump lookalike Gordon Hopkins was eaten alive by pigs when he toppled into their sty after consuming ‘ many’ cans of strong lager. There was little left of the 58- yearold following the horrific incident at a farm near Knutsford,...
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ED SHEERAN MARATHON DWARF STOLE MY SAUSAGES
WHILE ginger pop singer Ed Sheeran is currently dealing with the fallout of being cancelled, his tiny doppelganger has even bigger problems. Dwarf lookalike Freddie Archer, 27, left, is now on the run from cops, accused of stealing a plate of freshly-...
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HANG-GLIDING MIGRANT DWARF MOCKS OUR BORDERS
ILLEGAL migrants are hang- gliding across the Channel to enter Britain – after a Government clampdown on small boats. Last week saw a dwarf asylum seeker drift over from France before landing on the chalk cliffs of Sussex. Confused anti- immigrant...
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GRANNY KEPT PET CROC IN HER GARDEN POND
A TOWN’S missing cats riddle was solved after an eight- foot croc was found in a gran’s pond. Agnes Spofforth, 76, took advantage of global warming to allow her pet reptile Boris to bask in the pool behind her bungalow in Bungay, Suffolk. She told...
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MY HUBBY LEFT ME FOR SPACE ALIENS
MAUREEN Foster is devastated after hubby Ron left her for space aliens following a row at the couple’s home. The 60- year- old said: “A UFO landed in the garden and off he went, just like that. Typical man. I didn’t kill him.” Maureen, right, is now...
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PRINCE HARRY SEX DWARF STOLE MY MUM’S FALSE TEETH
A PINT- sized confidence trickster who looks just like Prince Harry left a grieving son devastated – after stealing his dead mother’s false teeth. Mike Whale, 56, fell prey to serial conman Phil Cotton after the scumbag tricked his way into Mike’s...
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TRUMP ‘DRESSED AS A WOMAN’ TO FOIL IRAN ASSASSINS
DONALD Trump’s Secret Service agents persuaded him to dress as a woman – to outfox Iranian assassins. An insider said: “We had no idea how he would react but the President was entirely comfortable in drag. “He made a passable woman too.”
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STARMER’S MIDNIGHT PANIC OVER SECRET NUMBER 10 CLOWN PORN STASH
KEIR Starmer has been handed a clown porn headache on his last day in Number 10. A vast stash of confiscated Big Top filth is kept locked up in a Downing Street cupboard and he’s lost the key. An insider said: “He doesn’t want Andy Burnham to come in...
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WORLD CUP WAG IS SECRET CALL GIRL!
A WORLD Cup footie player’s girlfriend is a former call girl and OnlyFans star who charged men £ 10k- a- night for sex. Jazmin Duarte now has a lucrative career as an influencer and her partner has a court injunction banning him from being named in...
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ICE CREAM SHE EVEN ASKED ‘ DO YOU WANT CRUSHED NUTS WITH THAT?’
A CANNIBAL wife murdered her hubby – then minced his body and made it into a hellish ICE CREAM! Deranged Wilma Forsyth offered the chilled treat to neighbours as they sweated in 90- degree heatwave temperatures. She’s now been arrested for murder and...
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ENGLAND STARS GET TO SWIM WITH JEDWARD EVERY TIME THEY WIN
THOMAS Tuchel hasn’t just picked the best footie players for England’s World Cup 2026 bid. He has also selected the best motivators in the business – Jedward. The German coach is taking the Irish pop stars to the US with the Three Lions squad to give...
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ANDY BURNHAM SEX DWARF STOLE MY FIESTA
WANNABE PM Andy Burnham is being warned a dwarf doppelganger who dresses up as him is ruining his chances of ever being elected. Greg Martins says Burnham’s tiny lookalike, ‘ Randy Burnham’, stole his Ford Fiesta and is a terror in the town where the...
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GREGGS PASTY BUS SEX PERVERT BANNED FROM MASTERCHEF
A WANNABE cook found himself kicked off the set of MasterChef when it was discovered he had a criminal record for interfering sexually with hot baked goods. Hugh Shankey, 37, was ditched from the reality show when producers discovered he was once...
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STARMER LLAMA STOLE POOR ORPHANS’ SAUSAGES
A PETTING farm llama that looks just like Keir Starmer is facing being put down after it stole sausages from hungry orphans – and scoffed the lot. The tragic animal – named Keir by his carers – has until noon this Wednesday before he is killed over...
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BUILDER MARRIES HIS LAWNMOWER
TERRY Williams wants the world to know he is in love – with his LAWNMOWER. And the 49- year- old is so committed to the green machine he calls Mo, he’s tied the knot with her. The builder, from Biddulph, Staffs, said: “I asked her to marry me after...
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ADRIAN CHILES SEX DOLL STOLE MY HUSBAND
WHEN Shelley Marshall’s hubby Rick demanded a threesome with her and his Adrian Chiles sex doll, she issued him an ultimatum. “It’s me or the doll,” she said, and the sheet metal worker chose the rubber toy. Now the 40- year- old woman from Leeds has...
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I GOT A TRAITORS CLAUDIA HAIR-DO AND NOW THE L ADIES LOVE ME !
UNLUCKY- IN- LOVE jobless labourer Kevin Forster is finally a hit with the ladies – after he got a Claudia Winkleman hair transplant. And it’s lesbian fans of the Traitors host who are going wild for 59- year- old Kev’s new locks. Kevin gasped: “The...
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I CHEATED ON HUBBY …SO HE HAD SEX WITH OUR CHICKEN DINNER
COLIN Venton took revenge when he found out his wife had cheated on him with his own brother – by having sex with a cooked chicken. He says he was so overcome with anger that he had no choice but to bonk the recently roasted bird, causing his former...
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KINKY CHURCH ORGANIST IS SECRET VICE GIRL
A CHURCH organist who was given the boot after being outed as a kinky dominatrix is now suing the vicar who fired her. Sara Harris, 52, had been playing along to hymns at St John the Evangelist Baptist Church for nine months when she was handed her...
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BUS STOP PERVERT CAUGHT WITH 37 SNAILS IN HIS UNDIES
COPS arresting a drunk after he caused a kerfuffle at a bus stop found he had 37 SNAILS in his underpants. Terry Williams, of Crewe, Cheshire, said he was keeping the gastropods warm after collecting them around the town. He’s now facing drunk and...
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SUNDAY SPORT EXCLUSIVE
THE tragic death of a Gordon Ramsay dwarf lookalike is being reinvestigated after his name appeared in the Epstein files. Cops believe Percy Foster, who was found partially eaten in a badger sett, may have been killed by a nefarious bunch of...
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SORRY, LOVE, I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Because the 50- year- old ran over his date’s pet cat when he went to pick her up in his car before their romantic evening out. The council worker, from Crewe in Cheshire, had been over the moon when work colleague Heather Phillips, 47, finally agreed...
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RANDY MANDY VICAR DOES FUNERAL IN HIS Y-FRONTS
A VICAR has landed in hot water after conducting a beloved granny’s funeral wearing Peter Mandelson- style undies. The Rev Hugh Longton has been suspended from clerical duties and banned from his church – St Jude’s in Splint, Cumbria – after the...
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POSH SPICE BLOKE SIGNS FOR CELEBRITY TRAITORS
BBC bosses are set to shock Celebrity Traitors viewers by having a male Posh Spice impersonator on the next series. But those who know Alan Marshall, 61, from Crewe, Cheshire, warn that he is a vile monster – and once took a dump in a tradesman’s...
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U-TURN STARMER DWARF’S GIANT POO BLOCKED OUR U-BEND
A DWARF Keir Starmer lookalike is being evicted from his home after blocking his loo with a MASSIVE post- breakfast PLOP. Leakage from Terry Matthews’ lavvy caused £ 2,000- worth of damage to the flat in Northwich, Cheshire – and now the landlord...
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